Loss And Gain
by zephyrchild
Summary: AU, Ivanova is reunited with Marcus Cole six years after his 'death' in unusual circumstances, it solves many problems, and creates so many more. Alternating POV, overlapping chapters. Bit Fluffy...


None of this is mine, it belongs to JMS not me, I am fan with a chronic fear of lawyers

Ch 1. Desperation

It figured. Things had just started to get better, at least that what she told herself. The truth was life was already empty; it had been for six years. Then six years after becoming a captain, getting her own command, some stupid decision had caused a bulkhead to fall on her. Losing a leg seemed like nothing compared to the emptiness she had to face in a hospital bed, with nothing to distract her, forced to dwell on the past, on Marcus. The doctors called it depression; she was unable to accept what had happened to her. She refused to use a false leg, threw anything within her reach at doctors, nurses and all of her visitors. Then, they found the hoard of pills in her room; she didn't even bother denying why she had put them there.

She was placed on 'disability' because of psychological distress and depression. She did the only thing that made sense, she yelled at people until John Sheridan himself came to insist she be released from hospitalization. Her friends all came, Garibaldi, Franklin, and Delenn with words of comfort that meant nothing.

They tried to console her, the next thing she knew, she had agreed to some ridiculous idea of theirs. She was moved to Minbar of all places, Delenn and John insisted it was for a 'change of pace'. Susan knew the truth. It was to keep an eye on her. Her new accommodations were directly beside theirs.

She knew what she had to do; she used her terrible false leg to get her into her bath, and proceeded to link her belt to the metal hook, installed in her ceiling. She stepped on to the ledge, put her neck through the loop and closed her eyes taking a deep breath. "It'll all be over soon…" She said to herself. And let go. Before one second had passed, two Minbari, swiftly followed by John and Delenn had taken hold of her, she screamed not knowing what else to do. They put her back in bed and she heard hushed voices.

"But Delenn, aren't there too many variables…who knows what this could do to her."

"John, you know what she will do if we do nothing, these…episodes…will continue."

All Susan could think of to say was, " You bugged my bathroom…" then they left, she only heard one more word "Draal." Before falling asleep, they must have slipped her something.

She dreamed, the same dream she'd had almost every night for the last six years, haunting her. First the White Star, then Marcus saying "I love you," then his cold, dead body in cryo. Sobbing on the floor. Flashes of painful images and then the dream changed, and she was chasing Marcus through a garden and she almost caught him, laughing, the dream continued this pattern, until she did catch him and then she woke up, crying.

She noticed her false leg had been removed while she had slept, further diminishing her mobility; she was trying to decide what to do when John walked in and sat down across from her bed. "Susan, I realize…"

"No John, you don't realize, I'm already dead, I died six years ago, and I buried myself in my work, and now I have nothing."

"You've been unconscious for nearly a week you know." He said plainly, "You have us, come visit Delenn and I, see David, eat with us."

"No."

"I'm afraid I must insist, Ivanova." Two Minbari appeared, they picked up her while she protested, uselessly as they carried her into the dining room, A four year old boy was sitting there, who immediately jumped up to greet her.

"Auntie Susan!"

It was going to be a long evening.

It was nine before they returned her wretched false leg. And another hour before she could get David to let go of her and go to bed. Delenn and John walked her back to her room. "Susan, " Delenn spoke softly, "We have a surprise for you…it may cause you some shock." And she stepped aside and opened the door. In the place of her standard, but flat, Minbari bed was a huge four-poster with a canopy.

Ivanova stood there gaping for a moment, then spoke "How…how did?"

"We had some help." Delenn answered and then she saw him.

There he was, sitting on her bed, with the same smile on his face, "Hello Susan."

She didn't think; she didn't even speak. She practically leaped for the bed and wrapped her arms around Marcus, crying again. She saw the look of surprise on his face, and then his arms closed around her, and Delenn and John left. He rubbed her back, and said, " I love you Susan, and I'm here." And he proceeded to tell his story, while she sobbed into his shoulder.

"The last thing I remember was telling you I loved you, and letting myself die, and then there was nothing, and then I was being poked by Draal, Zathras and Zathras and Zathras…how many are there anyways? They told me it's been six years…unbelievable, so, what happens now?"

"You, why did you do it…why?" She stopped an old anger flashing in her eyes, "Why did you do it, I didn't want you to, I never…"

"You already know the answer to that, I love you." He paused, "You are that 'someone special,' the only person I truly cared about, it was a gift!"

Ivanova had no idea why, but she'd just slapped Marcus, clear across the face.

"What was that for?"

"It was for a **gift** I never wanted, one I could never accept."

"One you had no choice about, it was mine to give!" He stopped, then continued, " I'd rather die for you, have you live one full life, than live one hundred lives without you, and there is nothing you can do about it now Susan Ivanova, it's already done, and I'm already back from the dead!"

"How can you be so stupid!" She screamed at him, and then kissed him hard, tears still running down her face, the kiss turned gentle and tender, and she broke the kiss, smiling at him.

"Did I just miss something?"

"Marcus, you have no idea…"

"You're right! I have no idea what the bloody hell is going on with you, you miss me, you yell at me and then you kiss me like that."

Ivanova looked at him, her eyes slightly red from crying, she leaned over and pulled up her right pant leg to above her knee, revealing her false leg, which started just below her knee.

"Oh." He looked stunned.

She said nothing, proceeding to remove it, showing him the grotesque injury, it was the only thing she could think of, the first step towards total honesty between them. The next step would be harder.

He let his fingers touch her knee, gently caressing the top of it.

"Susan, if you think this changes anything, you're thicker than a...a…"

She cut him off with a kiss, pushing herself on top of him, quickly pulling off her own shirt, and pushing her hands under his, gently pulling it off.

He broke the kiss, " Isn't this a little fast? I'm thinking this is a little fast, is it getting hot in here?"

"What, are you nervous?"

"No… a little."

"You're kidding me."

"No."

"Marcus, it may seem like yesterday for you…but it's been six years for me, and after you died? Went into cryo?" She wasn't sure what to call it anymore, "I felt dead, and I wished I'd given this a chance, and this is just one of the things I wished I'd have done," she paused, then continued, "Boffing you that is. You found your way into my heart, as much as I tried to convince myself you hadn't."

"Boffed?" Marcus looked at her and laughed, allowing her to capture his mouth in a deeper, more passionate kiss. Tangling his fingers in her hair, holding her close.

"I need this, I need this to make it real to me."

'After this, do I get to call you Suzie? Honey? Darling? Babycakes?"

"Marcus?"

"Yes?"

"Shut up!"

Ivanova rolled over, pulling Marcus on top of her, never breaking the kiss, than rolling back pressing him against her bed. He smiled at her, caressing her face and running his hands through her hair, down her back in gentle motions making her shiver. Straddling him, her hands exploring his body, drawing gasps from him. As she helped him remove her clothing and then his own. They soon had what they both had wanted, and something neither of them had expected, the close physical contact had unleashed her weak telepathic ability, and she delved into his mind, making their contact that much more intimate. She felt his joy, and awe. She didn't think of it but memories, her memories seemed to flow between them, she saw herself sobbing on the floor, talking to Stephen, heard what she had said_, "And then there was Marcus…" _and she knew that Marcus experienced it too, the whole thing. And the explanation was no longer needed, he knew; saw her sobbing and how dead she had become. He held her tighter, and she held on to him as if he was her lifeline, and for once in her life Susan Ivanova left herself go, in the arms of a man she was certain loved her.

She must have dozed off, because she woke up to find herself curled around Marcus; she scooted closer to him, and hugged him closer in the darkness. It had been a very long time since anyone had shared her bed, and much longer since she used her abilities.

"Susan?"

"What, I thought you were asleep?" she teased him, climbing on top of him once more.

"I'm no expert, but that was, it was amazing, but that wasn't … normal, was it?"

"You mean the memories, my memories?"

"I'm pretty sure that was never covered in the birds and bees talk."

"I'm a latent telepath, a weak one, not even a P1." Susan said hesitantly, she might as well tell him now, "The other reason I hate the corps, is I managed to avoid it, with my mother's help."

"Does that usually happen between you and…"

"No," she cut him off, "It's never happened before, I didn't know I could do that. The only other person I could ever read was my mother."

"Don't worry, my lips are sealed, will that always happen when we…?"

"There's one way to find out." She said and leant down for another passionate kiss. This time pulling Marcus up to a seated position, against the carved headboard, straddling him, and kissing him with renewed fervor in the dark.

Being with Marcus was unlike anything she had experienced before; it was physical, emotional and more intimate than anything she had ever experienced, being in his mind, touching his thoughts sharing memories with him.

Weeks passed quickly, making love frequently, even cooking together. Her artificial leg remained almost entirely unused. And then an old friend came to visit.

"I wanted to come sooner, but Delenn insisted I wait three weeks, until the two of you settled in, apparently they noticed Marcus' accommodations remained unused."

"That, and they have my 'accommodations' bugged."

"And you said I was so far from being her type…"

"I know what I said." Stephen replied noticing the smile on Marcus' face, and the contented look Ivanova wore. One he had not seen for many years. "I've been busy, this job gives me so much to do the last 'vacation' I took was research on Narn."

"What are you doing here?" Ivanova asked curiously.

"Officially, I'm studying the development of a Minbari-Human hybrid, and tending to the medical needs of an old friend, unofficially, I'm visiting John, Delenn, David and the two of you,"

"Have you been using stims to up your stamina?"

"No, no of course not."

"Should we begin the examination?" Marcus asked, "I'm eager to get this over with."

"Not you, Marcus."

"What?" Ivanova replied, "I'm fine!"

"You went within days from attempting suicide, to playing house with Marcus, chances are you need a thorough medical examination, followed by a complete psychiatric evaluation, since I'm confident you'd rather have me than some complete stranger examining you, I even brought your complete file." He said tapping a rather thick folder.

"Great."

"Isn't it?" he replied cheerfully, "Just like old times, let's get started."

"I'll go… make dinner," Marcus said, leaving the room.

Ivanova thoroughly disliked the examination, it was invasive, if there was a single part of her that wasn't tested, she'd eat her artificial leg. Stephen pulled out a small needle.

"A blood test too?"

"Yes, I told you, a thorough medical examination."

As he took the sample, he questioned her in a way that would make her uncomfortable, " So, when did you begin sexual activity?"

"A long time ago."

"Susan…"

"Twenty-one days ago."

"Any problems?"

"Nothing out of the ordinary."

"No rashes? Warts? Strange…"

"Stephen!" She interrupted him.

"Just being thorough, how many sexual partners have you had?

"More than Marcus."

"Just a rounded number will do nicely."

"Forget it!"

"So what exactly have you and Marcus been up to?"

"You're a doctor, you tell me."

"So, how do you feel about your life?"

"Better."

"Do you want to kill yourself?"

"No."

"Why?"

"I don't know."

"Good, just one more question, is the artificial leg giving you any trouble in the boudoir?"

"Hey, I heard that." Marcus responded from the kitchen.

"Hmmm…" Stephen said as he plugged the sample into a small device, studying the results. "Just one more thing," he said quietly, "Do you know you're pregnant?"


End file.
